E. 20 Something. Brooklyn. |
I'm still trying to figure it all out. Be patient with me.
Hi I’m Tyler Perry. Go see my new movie, “Black Women Can’t Have Nice Things Unless Its A New Man or Jesus”
Coming soon to theaters!
18° 15’ N, 77° 30’ W
This a look into the motivations, fears, and all around being of Effy Stonem.
A year ago today I was packing for a trip to a place I had always wanted to go with the person I loved more than anything. He surprised me with a trip to Aruba. On 4/20 no less.
And now I cannot get out of bed. It’s been well over a month and I am depressed. Its embarrassing to admit it but its true. I’ve tried to date guys here and there but it fails miserable. I am trying to replicate what is not there anymore and the honest truth is that I may never get it back. I have to accept it.
Lately it seems that the opposite sex is doing everything in their power to disappoint me. I just don’t know what to say anymore. I shouldn’t have stepped out so soon but i am lonely. I need to learn to be just..okay with being alone. He probably doesn’t think of me at all. He’s probably doing something mundane like making a sandwich or scratching his balls. I’m surrounded by Kleenex with Paula Cole on repeat.
I don’t know if I can pull out of this. I’ve been self medicating more than ever. Drinking a shitload, and doing drugs I haven’t touched in a long time. Nothing helps.
I just don’t know.
But yeah I attempted to see some dudes. They kinda pursued me and then when I showed that I was interested they Kanye Shrugged away. Just absurd mean things. One even cancelled an hour before our date that he planned out. Wanted to cook for me. I was running around cleaning my house and happily listening to Robyn when I got the “Hey - Can we raincheck? I can’t cook tonight.” No explanation or anything. He said sorry. I made a mistake and face timed him last night and he face timed me back this morning. I didn’t answer but responded i text to tell him it was an accident. small banter, the “haha” and thats it. The “haha” that ends the conversation. the “haha” that you know you shouldn’t even respond to because that was probably his exit and now you look like a dumbass.
I feel cursed in the love department. My friends are sick of hearing about it but they also get dates and have men talk to them or whatever. This guy on Tinder ( LOLOL ) messaged me. I was kinda shocked because that doesn’t happen…but when I messaged him back he blocked me.
That whole situation just sums up my entire dating life.
The Liz Lemon Eyeroll
Carrie Bradshaw, Valley of the Twenty-Something Guys (via southerndecay)
BPD problems!! You may not be able to relate to some of these, as BPD is very complex and has over 300 ways of recognizing the disorder, so the characteristics can be very different. Bleh- this shit can get difficult!
1. Getting so nervous about everything. Re-thinking your entire day for HOURS or days-, every word you ever spoke that week, or heck- that month- and worrying how it came off, if you offended them, or made them think you’re weird, whatever it might be… cause of the…
2. Intense unrealistic fear of abandonment and rejection or need for validation or reassurance cause of….
4. Self esteem and/or self image issues that constantly bounce up and down cause of…
3. Rapid cycles in BPD- unstable emotions, thoughts, actions- unpredictable cause it is based off of what happens through the day with perceptions, events, triggers, paranoia, thoughts, etc. Can change in a few seconds, minutes, or hours.
4. Being suicidal- regardless of the fact that something amazing just happened in your life.
5. Not sure if you’re depressed/empty… or just lazy…
6. Constantly putting your feelings before facts in some situations.(I’m pretty good at going by what I know instead of how I feel, something I had to train myself to do- but it’ll always be there at times of triggering things)
7. People who claim they completely understand you and have felt your pain, your situations, and how you feel- and yet they don’t have BPD.
8. People who don’t understand that it’s not physically possible in their brain for them to feel the amount of intensity in the emotions because their brain actually regulates, develops, and controls emotions/responses correctly.
9. People who claim we’re just being selfish because of that.
10. Having the most stigmatized illness ever…. and because of that…
11. Having hardly any treatment available… and because of those things…
12. Having the illness with the highest suicide rate overall (10-20% succeed- 80% attempt at least once.)
13. Realizing it may be impossible for someone to look at your illness and scars on the inside and/or outside and accept you for it.
14. Realizing that because of these things, that you might not have many good friends or ever be in a relationship that’ll last.
15. Holding a gun to your head only to realize your however long cycle ended and you totally don’t want to die anymore
16. The highs and elated mood because of whatever perception, trigger, or maybe not even a “reason.” Having the natural high and having so much energy one minute and the next you could be crying your eyes out or acting impulsively with drinking, drugs, sex, etc because of the energy.
17. Doing anything to make yourself feel better from the chronic emptiness- being completely vulnerable and desperate for a release so you self-harm, drugs, drink, sex, anything that releases the negative emotions or “highs” energy- reckless spending, reckless driving, fights, destructiveness
18. Feeling guilty when you do those things- so doing it some more to help distract yourself from how terrible you feel.
19. Having people take advantage of you during those times or certain cycles.
20. Having friends and people in your life that pass up your suicidal ideations and thoughts as harmless/just brief because they happen so often.
21. Getting accused of just wanting attention or being manipulative.
23. Looking back at the way you responded to some things after the cycle is over and realizing how bad you are.
24. Not being able to eat anything because you’re so anxious and nervous all the time and it makes you sick… or
25. Starving yourself because it gives you a sense of control
26. Not being able to go one day without crying… whether it be happy or sad.
27. Paranoia… which (rarely in BPD, but has happened to me…) can lead to…
28. Delusions…. which can lead to
29. Psychotic symptoms (disordered thinking, hallucinations, paranoia, delusions) normally fear-based.
30. Having a desire to tell everyone else in pain to get over it because their brain is at least capable of regulating it- but knowing that is just wrong and you’re not the only one- though it may be deeper, last longer, and pop up randomly- that feels pain.
31. Not sure if you love someone or is just currently empty/vulnerable and need someone to make you feel better at the moment.
32. Not sure if someone actually loves you or is using you for the same thing or simply for pleasure.
33. Needing constant opinions when making certain choices.
34. Having a struggle with black and white thinking sometimes, though not common with me, cause I fight with it- because it’s easier to look at something/someone as all bad or all good- which is what the brain in children automatically do because it is not fully developed- which is what someone’s brain with BPD can mistakenly do.
35. Constantly fighting with the feeling that you wholeheartedly believe almost everyone dislikes you.
I could totally go on. Might add later. I now understand why they say there are over 300 ways to recognize this illness
Stop taking the Personality Disorder Test.
- It is an online test, not a medical professional. The diagnosis of a website means nothing.
- If you are taking the test with the idea in mind that you might have a personality disorder, you will ultimately answer in such a way that exaggerates every small correlating detail about you in such a way that it appears as though you actually do have one.
- If you are actually concerned you may have one of these, you are adding an immense load of unnecessary worry in your life.
- You don’t want a personality disorder. The stigma behind them is startlingly horrendous. Did you know that many therapists refuse to treat borderline patients because of the spread idea that they are “too difficult to deal with”?
- Everybody exhibits symptoms and criteria of one or several personality disorders from time to time. This does not mean a person has the disorder. A pervasive pattern of several of these is required for the diagnosis, and it can only be made by a qualified mental health professional.
- Most people that take the test are simply looking for labels of mental illnesses to add to their collection in their blog description for the sake of seeming interesting, deep, quirky, or (dare I say) crazy** in order to draw attention to them, and I think this last reason is one that I am both passionate about and angered by enough for it to conclude this post.
**If you are using these “diagnoses” as an attractive accessory to your personality when you are unsure of whether you truly have it or not, you are discrediting and devaluing the experiences of everybody who suffers with these disorders on a daily basis.
I get to experience pure ecstasy more often than most people
It’s the best because I get to love someone so completely and I experience this more often than the ‘once in a lifetime’ love I hear so much about.
There is beauty in experiencing emotions with my whole being, so deeply and so fully.
My life is anything but boring.
too bad this shit sucks.
sometimes it’s hard for me to accept that this illness will never fully go away. that there will be times I will feel like it has finally left me, only to be hit by it with full force once again.
sometimes I forget that I’m fighting mental illness every day, and I’m not gentle enough with myself. sometimes I feel as if it’s gone- like I’m an ocean and the waves are at bay. so when it reappears, I’m crushed. it’s hard to accept that things will always get bad again. it sounds cynical, but it’s just the truth that I have to accept. I can’t change that. however, I can change how I react and how it affects me.
that’s what recovery is. it’s knowing that the illness will give me lows that feel like the end of the world, but getting up anyway. it’s knowing that I will feel suicidal, but living anyway. it’s knowing that eating hurts and keeping it down hurts more, but doing it anyway. recovering from mental illness is recognizing the disorder from the real truth, and doing what is right rather than what the illness wants you to do.
sometimes I get sick and it discourages me. it’s hard for me to accept that I will stumble and I will get bad again. it’s hard for me to remember in those moments that this happens all the time and that each time I get through it.
sometimes it’s hard to accept that this is my life and I blame myself, but I know it’s not me. it’s living life with a chronic illness. it sucks and it may not be fair, and people will rarely understand, but it’s possible to live with and I just have to remind myself these things. I have to be gentle with myself when things get bad and remember that I will wake up again and things will get better.
. | via Tumblr on We Heart It
When will it all end